just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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