I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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