Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
