The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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