Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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