the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
