My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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