well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I love you. Go after that dick
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
