Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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