my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
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We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.