How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
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Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life