i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.