not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
