She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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