I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
