i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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