Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
