You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
