my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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