i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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