I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
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