I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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