Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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