we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
