I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
