shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
BRING THE BAGELS
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
