im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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