Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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