I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
