Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
