She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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