It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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