She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
