home. puking in laundry basket.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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