My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
