guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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