If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
