oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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