making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
