Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
