What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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