if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
