I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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