I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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