i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
