Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
