I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Shame - the story of my life.
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