Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
