Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
