I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it hurts more in the daytime
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
