he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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