I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
