the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
