Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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