remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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