I'm lost and stupid without you.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
