Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
