chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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