i wish my penis had a tongue
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
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He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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