i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
